She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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