Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
