Can i not drive my cunt home
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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