is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
