i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
