but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
