I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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