I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
