I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
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