I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
