OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
