i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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