I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
