You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
