I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize