I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
