Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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