do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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