At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
