Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize