Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
