Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
