Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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