I'm passing your future prison.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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