i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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