the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
