Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
