Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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