He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
