Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
