Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
