There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
