I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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