i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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