you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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