I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize