Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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