I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize