Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
