he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
