so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
