nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
