I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
