Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
