my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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