I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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