I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
