Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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