My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
