Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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