Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
