I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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