So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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