I just made out with a guy for $7.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
