How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
