why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Even my vagina gasped.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
