Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
There's even glitter on my cock...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
