I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
