i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Is it because I queefed?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
