I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
