if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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