Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize