I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
