yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Nicole vs. Life
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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