Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
