hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
