3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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