dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
