Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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