i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize